Invisible Pieces
by cloverlynd
Summary: It wasn't fair, there should be a limit to the amount of horrible things someone has to endure in their life. Some sort of list, hers would have been full the day she lost her father and consequently her entire life. (Based off 3x11 - 'Black Badge'), Nikita and Alex story.
1. Falling Awake

_You never get you choose,_

_You live on what they send you,_

_And you know they're going to use,_

_The things you love against you._

* * *

"Seven... eight, that's it! Stop that's enough!" I heard Birkhoff say,

Everything went quiet.

I turned to see Alex holding her breath, silently waiting for any sign of vitality.

There was none.

"Se-Sean? Sean! Birkhoff it-its not working, it didn't work, what do I do? What can I do!" She said, frantically checking his pulse.

"Birkhoff he has no pulse, what do I do?!" She shouted,

"I-I don't know, I-I'm sorry that should've worked, Alex he must have been too far gone, I'm sorry, I-I..." Birkhoff sorrowfully replied,

"Wha-", she looked puzzled, like she didn't understand any of it. I could see her trying to make sense of it all, looking down at her hands then back up to his face.

She turned to me, with those big blue eyes, the same way she did three years ago when Thom died. My poor girl, she had been through too much, she didn't deserve this.

"Alex-" I began,

"No. No, no , no, no, no..." she started saying to herself, "this can't be happening, Sean, wake up... Sean! Wake up!" she screamed,

"We have to do something!" she frantically looked around for some sort of medical equipment that would bring him back.

"Honey-" I tried,

"No! Don't coddle me, just help-help me-just help me look for..." she trailed off,

"Look for what?" I gently replied,

"Anything!" She screamed, she began trying to resuscitate him as I slowly walked over to her.

* * *

_ALEX POV_

This couldn't be happening. No. He wasn't dead. I just needed to get his heart beating. I couldn't begin to fathom what would happen if I lost him, I had lost everyone and everything. My old life, my father, my childhood, Thom, Nathan, Yury, I couldn't see my mother anymore... No, he could not be gone too. He was not going to be added to that list.

"One, two three, four..." I began to count, pressing down on his chest.

* * *

_NIKITA POV_

I was a few feet from her, trying to give her distance to let her understand this on her own. But how could she when I was even having difficulty? It wasn't fair, there should be a limit to the amount of horrible things someone has to endure in their life. Some sort of list, hers would have been full the day she lost her father and consequently her entire life. I knew she could sense me approaching, but she refused to look up at me. Like the situation would be too similar to every other time she had lost someone, her father, her mother, Thom...

She had been resuscitating him for about four minutes and didn't seem to be any closer to facing reality. I took a step forward and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Nikita stop! Go-go and grab a defibrillator," she panicked,

"Sweetheart I don't think that's going to work." I tried,

"It has to work! Something has to work! He can't-I can't I-... I..." she trailed off. And then she suddenly jumped off him, like he was hot steel, I think it had hit her. She finally looked at me, tears pooling in her eyes, and tilted her head a little, reminding me of a tiny chid who had come to the realisation that the world was not such a happy and safe place.

"I-I-how? How can this even-I-I-I..." she started to become short of breath,

I walked over to her and took her in my arms. She started hyperventilating.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I've got you, deep breaths Alex," I softly chanted. It wasn't working, she was becoming even more distraught, eventually her legs gave out and we sank to the floor.

"Alex, honey, look at me, right here, into my eyes." I put my hands on either side of her face, and looked into her eyes.

"I know it hurts," _believe me I know_ "but I need you to breathe, slow deep breaths, I'm so sorry that I have to do this but we need to get out of here," I said,

"No! No! Nikita please, please don't make me leave him," she was crying now and tears were beginning to stream down my face but I needed to be strong for her.

"I'm so sorry baby, but that man will be back any minute, I need to get you out of here," I pleaded,

I tried to get her to stand but she wouldn't. she kept sobbing and holding onto me like I was her lifeline. I took her arms from around my stomach and put one around my shoulders and slowly lifted us.

"Birkhoff, I need an exit," I said,

"Yep, um, when you walk out take a right then a left at the elevators, you'll see a flight of stairs they'll eventually take you to a garage with a back exit, don't worry about anyone finding you once you hit the stairs, I've checked the cams it's under construction no one should be there," He sadly said.

We walked past the elevators, her arms had moved to back around my stomach. She wasn't crying anymore, just looking straight ahead while holding onto me. I put my arms around her and kissed the top of her head, chanting soothing words, hoping it might make some, minute difference.

* * *

**Sorry Salex shippers, I just had this idea watching this episode and had to do it as I was going through lack of nikita/alex withdrawal! Hope you guys enjoyed, I don't know if I will make this a two shot, or leave it as a one shot, give me your thoughts!**

**Also, lyrics at the beginning:**

**Gary Jules - Falling Awake**


	2. World Spins Madly On

_I Woke up and wished that I was dead,_

_With an aching in my head, _

_I lay motionless in bed,_

_I thought of you and where you'd gone,_

_and let the world spin madly on,_

* * *

"You should try and eat something sweetheart." I pleaded,

She wasn't allowed to go to the funeral, it was private and too many people there would recognise her as Alexandra Udinov. I tried to see if there was any way she could go but Ryan said it was too risky. It had been five days since Sean's death, and she hadn't left the confines of division. I hadn't seen her eat once. She'd been sleeping in her old recruit room, reasons for which I didn't understand. There must have been something at her apartment that reminded her of him, something that she wasn't ready to face.

"If you need anything or want to talk, I'm staying here again so I'll be just up the hall. Okay... Goodnight."

I moved to leave,

"I never told him." she said faintly

I turned back around, surprised she said anything.

"Told him what?" I asked,

"Told him I loved him. I never did." She continued to stare at the wall.

"He told me, that day medical blew up. He came in especially to see if I was okay. I was so focused on figuring everything else out that I didn't even think to call him. He was so pissed, he went off on a rant about how he didn't want division to swallow me and then he said it... that I was someone he loved." She cleared her throat.

"And then he told me to choose, him or you and division. I remember thinking how dare he ask me to pick? Thinking that it wasn't that simple, that he didn't understand. And then coming to the conclusion that if he were the type of guy to give me that kind of ultimatum, he wasn't good enough for me. But the funny thing is... Is that I wasn't good enough for him. He was a good man. Honourable. Loyal. And he deserved someone who appreciated every minute with him." She said nodding to herself taking a deep breath.

"I never got to tell him I loved him. And now he's gone and... And it's just me, once again." She blankly said.

My heart broke,

"Alex you deserve everything, you've sacrificed so much to protect people you don't even know. You are strong, honourable and loyal and you are never alone , I will always be here. Always." I said sincerely, hoping she would feel some bit of comfort.

"So will Amanda. Unless someone stops her." Her tone shifted,

"We'll get her," I said walking over and kneeling in front of her.

"I promise we will get her and she will pay for everything she has done." I said trying to look into her eyes, she just kept staring. Her eyes were now empty.

"Don't make promises you can't keep."

I wanted to refute what she said, but I couldn't. She was right. I could promise that I would do everything in my power to see that everyone she loved was avenged, but I couldn't absolutely assure her that justice would be served and Amanda would be captured.

"I'd like to sleep now, goodnight." she said, lacking any emotion. It startled me, I didn't want her to start shutting me out. I didn't want to leave but Birkhoff came in.

"Niki, can I speak to you for a sec?" He asked,

I looked at Alex then back at him, "yeah sure," I replied hesitantly.

"Night sweetie, remember I'm just down the all if you need me." I told her, turned around and quietly shut the door behind me.

"What is it?" I asked him,

"It's about Amanda. I think we have a location." He said.

* * *

_ALEX POV_

Nikita closed the door. I heard her ask Birkhoff what was going on. Amanda. My ears perked up. A location? I got out of bed and put my ear to the door, hoping they'd continue to have the conversation outside my room. Nikita said that she didn't want anyone to tell me until they confirmed that she was actually there.

"I agree," I heard Birkhoff say "I don't want to get her hopes up." He quietly said

"Me either, make sure no one says anything-"

"Nikita, Birkhoff" it was Ryan. I heard him say something about ops and then fading footsteps. I'd be damned if they wouldn't include me on the mission. I ran into the computer lab and looked at the security footage in operations. Birkhoff had a map up. He zoomed in and was pointing to a facility in up state New York clearly indicating this was where Amanda was, I jotted down the co-ordinates of the location and left. By the time they prepped and checked to see if the Intel was valid Amanda could be gone, Nikita wouldn't notice I was gone for a couple of hours this was the only window of opportunity to leave without anyone noticing.

* * *

Hey guys, wow been a while since my last update, sorry! So much has happened in my life and in the show! (aka Sean actually dying - so upset). On another note, HOW INCREDIBLE WAS THE FINALE. It inspired me to write this, I think this will have one or more chapters then be complete :)

Song at the beginning:

World Spins Madly On - The Weepies

Please leave a review, hope you enjoyed!


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